to be a girl is to want
to be a girl is to want. to want desperately, crazily, meaningfully, obsessively. the want for new possessions, the want to be loved, the want to be better, the want to look better, the want to be wanted. the what ifs that are really just haunting and the invisible infinite that after one thing, there’s always another then another then another.
to be a girl is to want and is to know everyone else is wanting too. whether it’s in a knowing silence or embarrassingly shared among friends because even though we are told we should want these things, we are shamed for doing so.
to be a girl is the want to be her, to be them, to be you. to want is to be so so many things, it’s impossible. a frankenstein manifestation of your desires, of his desires or their desires and the not knowing why you want what you want. for who? is it for you?
to be a girl is to want but wish you didn’t. to wish it didn’t claw inside you daily begging to be. to wish your want looks pretty and palatable to the outside eye, not too much but not too little. to wish you still didn’t want the things you wanted at thirteen and wonder why don’t you have them yet. to wish you didn’t want the impossible because it’s impossible, a futile desire that can’t form.
to be a girl, the want keeps you warm. keeps you alive and keeps you moving. what is a bigger accelerator than want?
